The initial idea of a blog stemmed from my urgent need to improve on my communication skills. Also, I felt the need to let out my thoughts/feelings or whatever it is that people keep bottled inside. That inner dialogue that sometimes become so loud that you feel the need to shout out/to reach out to someone and let it all out, but in the end you never do. I have sometimes wondered why is that so? Perhaps I will never figure this one out. Perhaps the fear of being rejected/ridiculed/misunderstood? Anyways, just thinking about it again, I think the need to improve my communication skills might be secondary. Or maybe I am wrong? Don't know for sure to be honest. But well it is what it is.
I actually like the idea of the blog. Anonymous. Or I am just a coward? Maybe I am, but then what difference does it make? Sometimes the need to please everyone repels me. But still I go on doing it, consciously/subconsciously. Why? Often I have questioned myself: Why do I keep on doing it? Maybe I know the answer, but then I am too afraid to do anything about it.
But does it all really matter? All of this, the feelings, everything really really matter? I want to say something about that has always been really close to my heart, something that I have always kept in a corner of my heart, have thought about it in those fleeting moments of the day when a thought just jumps into your consciousness and catches you by surprise. I have always wondered why are we here? What sense does it make? Think about it. It is all, everything, so meaningless. My life, my ambitions, my passions, my dreams, they are all going to die with me, so what difference does all of this makes? Just think about it. It does not make any sense at all! Why are we here? I go through my life, getting up every day, go to work (by the way I love what I do, it is not something I do for money, I really really love doing it), come back, eat, sleep, get up and do it all over again. Maybe, I will really excel in what I do, I will have recognition, money all the good things. But then in the end I will still die the same way as some one who has done absolutely nothing in their life. So how does it all make sense? And if you believe in reincarnation as I do, then it gets worse.
I will be born again and will do everything over again. Learn the same things again, will be taught right from wrong, will be taught to be good, work hard, earn my living, raise a family. But in the end I will die again and again and again ad infinitum! So whats the point in all of this? And I thought about all of this when I was still in school! I mean how did the idea even pop into my head? Where did it come from?
I have an interesting theory about it (at least it seems interesting and logical to me). I feel we are all born with inborn tendencies/inclinations, and all of it can't be explained by our parents. Look at some of exceptionally genius personalities born of very ordinary parents, or some of the extremely diabolical personalities born of perfectly nice parents. Some of the fears or beliefs, which can't be traced back to any known event in the life. Sometimes, the attraction towards certain people or repulsion from certain other, it is like wavelengths are matched and you are drawn towards them. I have felt it numerous times in my short life and I am quite sure that I am not the only one. I feel we carry over the experiences from our past life into the present life and from present life to our future life.
So it means I was not born as an empty slate, it was just that whatever was written has been wiped off, but not completely, if I look closely I will see some previous writings on the slate. Or I think better explanation would be someone has turn over a new page, but whatever was written previously is still there, it is a continuing story and this life is just a new chapter. I think this better explains as to why I was thinking about all these things when I was still in school.
So working on the assumption that my theory is correct, where does this leave me? The next obvious question is that there has to be some reason behind all of this? But what? I started reading all the religious texts, philosophies, etc in no particular order and realized that all they explain or taught is the code to lead a morally correct life. Rules to live in a society, be hardworking, honesty, and all those things. But, that doesn't explain why we are here? We are here to go to church, temple, mosque? And doing this is the answer? I don't think so.......
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